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avatar 7 Reasons Sex Isn't on Your Radar
August 08, 2011 05:32PM
By Jenny Block, Fox News

In my last column, I answered several questions sent in by readers. After the column went live, even more questions started flooding into my inbox. One of the most common was this – why isn't my partner interested in having sex anymore? And although a few women readers posed the question, most of the inquirers were men.

I have a female friend who is well into her golden years and she still has a happy, active sex life with her husband. Because of that, I was curious about how she might answer that question.

“Most women are tired,” she said. “They are the wage earners, the dominant parent, and the primary caretaker of the home. The husband might be willing to be responsible, but only if you ask him. So the wife is tired and consequently really doesn't have the energy or interest required to participate in their sex life. She may also be a little bit resentful that so much falls into her tired lap. So, the husband may just consider taking up more of the slack or just giving her a whole day off every Saturday or something like that. If the husband is truly willing and able to do this, I think the wife would be more interested in their sex life.”

I couldn’t agree more. But I will happily expand on what my wise friend had to say. To that end, here are seven reasons why sex isn’t on our radar.

1. We don’t feel good about our bodies.
The older we get, the more we change. That can be especially true when it comes to our physical bodies. Exercise and eating right are great. But barring killer surgery or age-defying genes, time will take its toll. Let’s face it, most of us simply don’t look like we used to. It can be hard to think about sex when you’re thinking about how old or fat or worn-out we look.

2. We’re no longer attracted to our partner.
If you no longer have the hots for your partner, sex is likely to be the last thing on your mind. It’s natural to not feel as hopelessly attracted to your partner as you once were. But if you no longer feel drawn to them at all, that’s a problem. The truth is, the heart wants what it wants – so does the body. So, if you can hardly recognize your partner anymore, sex with them may be the furthest thing from your mind.

3. We’re stressed out about kids, work, health, etc.
If your mind is swimming with thoughts of paying the bills, getting to soccer practice on time, cooking dinner, and meeting that deadline, how could you think about sex? When would you think about sex? You can’t really blame yourself or your partner for having no interest when there simply isn’t time or energy or space for interest. Unfortunately, sex has a bad habit of simply dropping away when life gets crazy.

4. We’re angry with/disappointed in/estranged from our partner.
If you’re fighting with your partner, it can be impossible to even imagine having sex with them. If he or she is constantly coming home late, leaving you with all of the chores, fighting with you, ignoring you, or any combination thereof, sex with them is not exactly topping your to-do list. It’s all about attraction and when someone is treating you badly, you are not generally going to want them to ravish you.

5. We’ve been less than satisfied with the sex in our relationship.
If sex has become a one-way street, in other words he gets his and then it’s off to dreamland, why would she be interested in sex? The best part about having sex with a partner, is the partner. So, having sex should be the most mutual thing you ever do. I’m not saying that it has to be tit for tat. I’m just suggesting that if there’s nothing in it for one partner, there’s hardly a reason for the other partner to show up for the match.

6. We’re involved with someone else physically and/or emotionally to the exclusion of our partner.
If we’ve become involved with someone else, we may not be interested in our primary partners anymore. For some, multiple partners are part of the agreement. But if monogamy was the promise, then someone else entering the picture can make us completely lose interest in the one we promised ourselves to. This can be physical or purely emotional. The point is, if we stop thinking about our partner, we can quickly stop wanting our partner.

7. We’re experiencing something physical that is getting in the way.
Low testosterone, menopause, and depression are just a few of the many things that affect the way we think about and feel about sex. If you think the issue at hand may be a medical or a physical one, get the to a doctor. In some ways, these things can be the easiest fix. If a hormone supplement, a medication, or a new eating and exercising routine can help you can back on track, you would be silly not to check out your options.

Sex is important. We forget that. If other things are broken in our relationship, we would tend to them. Sex deserves the same attention. You can get sex back on the menu, but only if you talk to your partner openly and honestly about what’s going on. I wouldn’t recommend saying, “You’re fat. So I’m not interested anymore.” But I think, “Why don’t we start cooking healthy meals together and going for a walk after we clean up?” would be a great start.

Jenny Block is a freelance writer based in Dallas. She is the author of "Open: Love, Sex, and Life in an Open Marriage." Her work appears in "One Big Happy Family," edited by Rebecca Walker and "It’s a Girl: Women Writers on Raising Daughters," edited by Andrea Buchanan.
avatar Re: 7 Reasons Sex Isn't on Your Radar
August 08, 2011 06:55PM
What if you are a divorced man and no longer interested in women because women have burned you since you were 14?

You realize that any generosity on your part to women was All for nothing and that the only woman you could really trust was your mom. You find out that sex is a trap just to get locked into you be a permanent meal ticket.

Could that be number 8?
avatar Re: 7 Reasons Sex Isn't on Your Radar
August 11, 2011 04:40AM
Quote
golddigger
What if you are a divorced man and no longer interested in women because women have burned you since you were 14?

You realize that any generosity on your part to women was All for nothing and that the only woman you could really trust was your mom. You find out that sex is a trap just to get locked into you be a permanent meal ticket.

Could that be number 8?

Come on, it ain't that bad. Love is a many splendored thing. (sing along)
Re: 7 Reasons Sex Isn't on Your Radar
August 08, 2011 11:52PM
Great article, I enjoyed reading it. It is so true!
avatar Re: 7 Reasons Sex Isn't on Your Radar
August 11, 2011 12:12AM
You always have to tell your partner what is going on. You have to be honest and then you can work on it together. That is the only way how to solve your problems.